roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
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Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
no cat here
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son