2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
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Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Oh the world we live in…
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!