Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
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I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair