That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
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Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?