God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
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Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!