This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
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Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.