*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
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RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?