went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
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one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
shit just got real
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.