I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
You Might Also Like
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
A leaf blower, but for people.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?