When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
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A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”