Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
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what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that