If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
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Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
🤣🤣🤣
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok