“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
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Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.