[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
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Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder