[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
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Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG