[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
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the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”