Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
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Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
😏😏😏
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.