I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
❤️🦆
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Carpe DM
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.