Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.