Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
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I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
181.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.