Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
What an awful time to have common sense.