Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
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[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.