teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
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Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Lmao 🤣
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Schrödinger’s cookie
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore