I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
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gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Admin smashed it 😂
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room