you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
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I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.