When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.