My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
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A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.