Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
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If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer