There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
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i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.