Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
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i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”