I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented