[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
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Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
bury ourselves
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot