I don’t share cheese on the first date.
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Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.