“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*