[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
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Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
SPLOOT
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.