A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
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*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
How to draw a duck
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”