Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
LOL
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Wait for it
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
it’s either covid or clever vampires