How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.