I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
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I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Netflix: We have Less
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).