cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
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When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
August 8
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.