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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod