[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo