*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
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I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
what is cheese if not milk persevering
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet