All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
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What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Good Morning.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
In space, no one can hear…
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.