In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
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Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Snapes on a plane.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.