I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
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[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!