My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.