Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
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The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.