2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
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Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now