Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
This is the best one I’ve seen